Tommy Platinum Bio

 

Tommy Platinum is a native of the Puget Sound, born in Bothell, Washington.  Tommy was born…  a while ago.  No one really knows when, exactly.  Estimates put his age anywhere between 25 and 40.  He’s just so damn sexy that it’s impossible to tell.  It wasn’t always that way.  Tommy discovered his singing and chick-attraction abilities much later in life.  Before Tommy became the uber-hot chick magnet he is, he was just another school band dork.  He played saxophone from grade-school through high-school, from which he graduated at the age of 13 to attend MIT.  Tommy was also a MENSA member.   Tommy later dropped out of MENSA because he couldn’t get along with the other members. He was quoted as saying, “a really smart ‘tard is still a ‘tard”. Tommy held 2 PhDs. It was later discovered that his professors were female, and he'd been banging them.    He was stripped of his doctorates, and now holds a high school diploma and a couple of Masters.

 

In 1982, Tommy heard the album "Screaming for Vengeance” by Judas Priest.  It changed his life forever.  He became completely obsessed with hair-metal music.  He purchased every hair-metal album he could get his hands on, and would lock himself in his room for hours singing every song over and over.  He sang for thousands of hours in isolation. It would be years before anyone else would hear his voice. 

 

Sometime in about 1989, Tommy went to a karaoke bar with some friends.  After a few drinks, he got up and sang Black Dog, by Led Zeppelin.  This resulted in pandemonium.  The karaoke host and several others in the bar soiled themselves, and dozens of women took off their panties, threw them on stage, and begged to go home and have uninhibited sex with him.  That night his hair grew long and turned from brown to platinum blonde, thus earning him the name “Tommy Platinum”.  Tommy won’t tell what his real name is.  Some have claimed that they have heard him called "Leroy", but no one knows for sure.

 

Tommy saw his opportunity and grabbed it, hitting all the local karaoke bars and taking home all the hottest women.   One day some talented musicians who were forming a band and needed a singer happened to see Tommy performing at a local bowling alley.  They asked him if he’d like to join a real rock band.  Tommy, figuring that if karaoke scored him chicks, a rock band would be epic, said yes.  He was right.  The band toured around the Northwest to sold-out crowds, and Tommy’s power with the ladies became legendary.  At one point, it’s said, Tommy even challenged Gene Simmons to a “chick-off”.  Tommy claims to have won, but Gene has always declined to comment.

 

Sometime around 1992, the band broke up.  No one has ever spoken about it, so the reason remains a mystery.  Tommy fell into a deep depression, and passed the time by breaking wine glasses with his voice for booze money, and doing occasional studio work for many famous bands.  Unfortunately he was in a constant state of inebriation, so he doesn’t even remember what albums he sang on.  

 

In 1994, Tommy disappeared and was not heard from for many years.  There were several rumored sightings, including the occasional karaoke bar.  The first confirmed sighting was on a cruise ship in the Caribbean where, after a few (OK...  an assload of) drinks, he took over the karaoke bar and screamed out blistering Hair Metal all night.  The crowd grew so huge that it completely blocked the promenade.  It took the crew over an hour to pick up all the panties that were tossed at him. 

  

That was the catalyst for Tommy.  He decided to re-enter the spotlight and showcase the world’s greatest music: 80’s Hair Metal.  Tommy spent months working his voice for hours every day in grueling exercises.  When he felt he was ready, he approached his best friend and amazing ax-slinger, Mikey “Spandex”.  Mikey signed on without hesitation (once Tommy got him completely wasted on Crown Royal and explained to him that he could get away with cross-dressing on stage).  While seeking out other musicians looking to revive glorious Hair Metal, Tommy came across Lixx, and was blown away by his incredible bass mastery.  Tommy approached him about playing lead electric bass in Platinum Spandex. Lixx was so excited that he needed to borrow a Kleenex.  He had been trying to find a singer for just such a project, but they kept blowing out their testicles trying to sing the songs.  Tommy assured Lixx that his testicles were in no danger, and the next member of Platinum Spandex was on board.

 

Tommy asked Lixx if he knew any drummers or keyboardists/rhythm guitar players that wanted to bring forth glorious Hair Metal.  As luck would have it, his good friends Dik Wikked and Brock T. Rockenheimer were looking to do exactly that.  After Kleenexes all around, Platinum Spandex was formed, and they set forth to bring The ROCK!